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Sweeney Todd Sample

[Mrs Lovett and Dr Lupin have a romantic interlude!]

There is a loud knock at her “door”. She panics and hides her blooded apron behind a cushion and exits.

Lovett (Off) Why, if it isn’t Dr Lupin!

She re-enters with a wet, bedraggled Lupin.

Lovett Sit down. Take something warm why don’t you? (Holds a bottle of whisky) You’ll have a wee sensation?

He does a lewd “double-take”.

Lovett Looks like we’re in for another filthy night?

Lupin (Aside) Let us hope so… By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down, yea we wept when we remembered Zion! (Sits) Yea, dear Sister. I bear such misfortunes, like all others, with fortitude. I believe that our sufferings will, in a future world, be changed to peace and happiness. Yea, verily, and I say unto thee, the acts of the wicked will call forth the wrath they deserve!

He sits on the seat which she has just vacated. She shudders and changes the subject.

Lovett Will you be taking a little drop of tea? (Coughs) It does wonders for me chesticles.

He leers at her. She pours him a cup, which he tops up from his flask.

Lupin Dear Sister, you are indeed an angel. Ah me, tea! What should we do without it, O pretty one? (Apologizingly) Pardon me if I use the vernacular?

Lovett Of course you may. It’s out in the yard. Can’t miss it… And if you do, I’ll fetch a cloth!

She giggles hysterically. Lupin sighs loudly. She changes tack.

Lovett Dr Lupin… Top up?

Lupin Bless thee, woman. But no. Just more tea!

She tops him up; he drinks.

Lupin Call me “Brother”, dear Sister. For we are all brothers and sisters in this wicked world.

Lovett Oh, Brother Lupin!

Lupin And is it true, Sister, that thou hast gathered unto thyself much of the mammon of unrighteousness, by the sale of these same pieces of manna, which the ungodly call “dough”, wrapped round the flesh of the fatted calf?

Lovett (Coyly) Oh, Doctor... Brother! What a lovely way of saying “pies”!

Lupin Call me “Brother”, dear Sister. Verily “Doctor-Brother” is an abomination. Thou says there is much of this ungodly mammon thou calls a “pie”? Do thou also have, what the wicked call, a “stocking and suspenders”?

Lovett Let us not talk of pies, Brother. Sometimes pies haunt me dreams. Remember that all day I smell pies, knead dough for pies and take tuppence for pies.

Lupin Verily, ‘tis a delicious text. Lo, the smell of gravy haunts my nostrils and my soul quivers with delight.

Lovett Please excuse the mess by the way, Doctor. But I’ve been rushed off me feet! Not a pot washed, nor a sausage pricked… Would you like a pie, Brother?

Lupin My soul faints. I would partake of thy pies! Satisfy my needs and desires, woman!

She exits through the archway.

Lupin (Aside) Verily, she is a lumpen beast. Not a pound of her hanging the right way… (He shuffles in his chair) And this chair is somewhat lumpen too!

He feels behind the cushion and eventually takes out the blooded apron.

Lupin And what have we here, eh? (Examining it) Mmm… Methinks blackmail is called for! Verily…

He hears Mrs Lovett offstage. Looking for somewhere to conceal the apron, he quickly tries to fold it up and tries to stuff most of it down the front of his trousers. When she re-enters with a pie she suddenly notices the bulge in his tummy and, noticeably, his crotch. She simpers.

Lovett La, Dr Lupin! Why, you flatter me!

She hands him the pie.

Lupin Ah, my sweet! My stomach doth think my throat hath been cut!

He laughs uproariously. She laughs nervously and throws a glance to the Audience.