Jason and the Argo-Nuts Sample

Odious, the sneaky Tyrant of Ambrosia, is being harassed by Harpies from The Underworld, when he has his first encounter with The Demon King of the Underworld, Hades… and his henchmen, Styx and Cerberus. After the Harpies have departed, Odious is ready to return from hiding

Odious (Now off-stage) All clear?

1st Hoplite May one tickle your Munificent Majesticals, Odious the Ham-Fisted?

Odious fearfully tip-toes back in again and chides the Hoplite.

Odious (Double-Take) Eh? “The Iron-Fisted”, you halfwit!

Hoplites We salute thee, O Iron-Fisted!

Odious Chaps, chaps, chaps! There is no need for such formality. After all, I am a man of the people. “Iron-Fisted”, indeed. It is to laugh, ha-ha!  You may simply refer to me as “Knuckles”.

The Hoplites exchange glances. “Is he kidding?” Odious addresses the Audience.

Odious And as for all you unpleasant peasants out there… You will address me formally as either “The Tyrant Odious… Any Old Iron… O Mighty One… Silly Old Burger King… He Who Must Be Obeyed or Lord of Arcadia”! Got it? (He shows off his jewels and rings) Not only am I bejewelled, but me underpants are encrusted too! (To a Hoplite) How’s the situation with the Harpies?

2nd Hoplite The doctor’s given me a cream for them…

Odious Fool! Are you Greek?

2nd Hoplite Nope. I’m a Cretan.

Odious Thought as much. If brains was dynamite you wouldn’t have enough to blow yer nose! (Aside) See that one there? Still can’t figure out why his sister has two brothers and he’s only got one… (To the Hoplites) Have you any idea why these creatures are constantly on the attack? Do any of you? Eh? Honestly. You’re all one step away from an idiot!

The Hoplites shrug their shoulders and take one step away from him.

Odious It’s not as if I’ve done anything wrong… It’s bound to be the fault of them peasants out there! (To Audience) Who’s been up to no good? Who ain’t paid their Council Tax? Who’s insulted the Gods? (To the Hoplites) There must be some reason why the Gods won’t help us out? They’re usually falling over themselves to interfere! Particularly that old duffer, Zeus.

Leans against the door to The Underworld.

Odious Olympus! I turn my back on thee…

Hades barges in from The Underworld, sending Odious flying into the Hoplites.

Hades What’s the problem there, “Nose-Wipe”?

Odious is caught off-guard. He rounds furiously on Hades.

Odious Hotplates… I mean, “Hoplites”! Arrest that awful Ham Actor!

They go to arrest Odious! After some pushing and shouting, Odious points them out to The Hoplites.

1st Hoplite Well you said, “awful ham actor”…

Odious Throw him to the Rancid Ravening Rats in the Dungeon! No! Throw him to the Bawling Brats in the Audience…!

The Hoplites advance on Hades. He whistles. Styx appears from The Underworld, followed by Cerberus. They both growl at the Hoplites.

Cerberus & Styx (Snarling) Ooby, dooby, do

There is a stand-off. Hades smirks.

Hades Your move, I think.

Odious hesitates.

Hades Think you can frighten me? You don’t know the meaning of fear. Where I come from there are things you could never imagine, even in your worst nightmares. So, I too can be somewhat “scary” if threatened! If you’re not careful, I’ll show you a Blu-ray of last year’s Panto!

Hoplites (Camp) Ooh… How h’unbelievably h’evil!

Hades suddenly snaps his fingers. Thunder and lightning. The Hoplites are quaking in their boots as Styx and Cerberus run around them. They return to stand beside Hades.

Hades Scary enough for you now?

Odious It’s a trick! All done with smoke and mirrors, you second-rate conjurer!

Hades Oh Cerberus, my whiffy whippet…? Do your thang.

Cerberus skips over to the Hoplites, stands amongst them and then loudly passes wind… The Hoplites take a sniff, react, put their hankies to their noses and run off, choking.

Hades Now, that’s scary.

SYNOPSIS         CAST