Humpty Dumpty Sample

In this scene we meet the Dame, Dolly Dumpty.

Dolly I just love men in uniform! Quite handsome, for Romans. (Walks up and down the line) Fancy “Roman in the Gloamin’”, you seriously sexy Centurion centrefolds? Fancy a pizza… A “pizza” the action, that is? No? Suit yerselves. I suppose that makes me “pasta”? “Pasta” sell-by date! Mind you, they’re a funny lot. And very selfish. All their names end in “Us”… Like this one. He’s called… (“American” accent) Spartacus…

Soldiers No, I’m Spartacus… No, I’m Spartacus… No, I’m Spartacus… (Etc.)

Dolly Anyway... Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, and those of you who aren’t quite sure, welcome to Caledonia’s Great Glen and the village of Pitmafittinit! Are you all enjoying yourselves so far? Ye are? Wait till the Second Act… (Yawns) My name is Dame Dolly Dumpty... What’s yours? What is this? A staring competition? I said, what’s yours?

Audience Participation ad lib.

Dolly Well, I’m very pleased to meet you. Would you all like to be my friends? You would? Right, then… Every time I come on, I’ll say “Hello, you Celtic cuties!” and you shout back, “Hello Dolly!” Got that? Let’s have a wee practise…

She takes them through the Routine. The Chorus help out.

Dolly Now, I’m the chief cook and bottle-washer to our local Roman Governor, Blunderbuss. Aye, I am. He bides in a villa near yon Fort. Wait till ye see him! I think he’s gone native. It’s the way he dresses… I mind the first time he wore a kilt. He put the sporran inside! Talk about being “tickled pink”… I look after his household, cook, clean his clothes and wash his smalls. I’ve been his loyal servant for that long, Blunderbuss, in his wisdom, has just slapped a Preservation Order on me! I’m that proud, so I am. I am now officially “A Listed Building”! His half-sister wasn’t too happy… Morgana’s her name. Met her, have ye? I’m surprised she hasn’t been arrested for carrying an offensive face. They say that beauty is only skin deep, so she must have been born inside oot! Her son’s a nasty wee brute. Mordred’s his name. He’s a Roman officer, with all the personality of a snotty hankie… No, I’m sorry, but he has! Mind you, he’s a reckless young blood. And she’s a bloodless auld wreck! He’s in charge of Public Health and Hygiene. Which is quite funny actually, as I’m the one that washes his underpants. Needs his brakes relined, if ye get my meaning… He says to me last week, “Where’s yer bin?” I said, “I’ve bin down tae the shops!” “No”, says he. “Where’s yer Wheelie-Bin?” I said, “I’ve wheelie-bin down tae the shops!” What a mug! Och, well, never mind about them, eh? See me? Being an Ancient Relic and that? It’s really a grand life in Caledonia!

SYNOPSIS          CAST