Mother Goose Sample

This scene is an exchange between Sir Skulduggery Skinflint and his two henchmen.

Skinflint enters, followed by Muckworm and Sludge sporting tee-shirts and baseball caps with the logo, “I’ve Been to Fairyland!”

Skinflint Curse that grubby, grasping, greedy, Gertie Goose! How very dare she have more wealth than me? Me? The richest man in the county of Ganderbury, whose twice been conglomerated? A goose that lays naught but Golden Eggs, i’faith? Tchah! Have you ever heard the like? Eh? At least I got my money honestly…! Didn’t have to rely upon “magic spells” and stupid fairies.

Muckworm & Sludge (Looking at each other) “Honestly”?

Skinflint Well, okay. Maybe a teensy bit of penny-pinching here, a slight soupçon of bullying there? Threats of eviction, calling in the bailiffs and a little bit of money-laundering? Claiming back all me quite legitimate parliamentary expenses? Fiddling the books, etcetera, etcetera? Did you hear any of my victims…? I mean, tenants and constituents complain? I think not!

Muckworm Nah… Nobody never complained, boss. True.

Sludge You had us put the mockers on ‘em if they did!

Skinflint And bless your little unbelievably smelly socks for that.

Muckworm & Sludge (Curtseying) You’re more than welcome, kind sir!

Skinflint (Thinks) But, how to get me own back on old “Mother Gertie Gap-toothed”? How to get even? (Suddenly) I think I’ve got it…

Sludge Don’t care what you’ve got, mate! You can keep it to yourself…

Skinflint By George, I’ve got it!

Muckworm I think he’s got it! By George, he’s got it! (Singing) “The rain in Crawley falls mainly on your brolly! But not in Pwllheli, where it runs down your wellie…”

Skinflint (Slowly and emphatically) Get me that goose!

He laughs hideously. He notices they’re not laughing with him.

Skinflint (To them) Don’t I pay you enough? Where’s your maniacal laughter?

Skinflint and Sludge look at each other, aghast.

Muckworm Priscilla, boss?

Skinflint What? D’ye know of any other “magical goose” Muckworm, you meddling moron? ‘Course I mean Priscilla! I want her thieved, nicked, purloined, filched and otherwise illegally misappropriated. (To Audience) I wants them matchless, magical, gorgeous, Golden Eggs all to meself, I do! (To them) D’ye hear? Get me that goose!

SYNOPSIS          CAST