Babes in the Wood Sample

Effluvia Nightshade is plotting to dispose of the “Babes”. Can she find anybody suitable devious? Cue Sloeworm and Slug.

It’s night-time in Blackthorn Castle. We hear Heather and Rowan laughing and playing off-stage and Nurse Dumpling telling them to get to bed. Effluvia storms in.

Effluvia “Rumble, rumble”, as one says as one “storms” in! (Sneers) Will no-one rid me of these loathsome Brats? Didn’t pick any poisonous mushrooms… The ones that don’t really kill you, just give you smelly “Bottom Burps”. And now, when Marian told them about those nasty Outlaws heading this way, they just laughed! Said it would be, what was it? Oh, yes. “An awfully big adventure” were they to meet them! Oh, how I wish they would! That’ll teach ‘em! Little monsters! Ooh! Can’t stand children! How I begged my dear Dudley to send ‘em away to some dismal Finishing School! Out of sight, and all that? But would he listen? No! Just hires that nauseating Nanny…

Audience Participation, ad-lib. She produces the letter again, reads it, howls with rage, and tears it up. As she does so, the Stage slowly darkens.

Effluvia An Outlaw, or someone who’s really devious,

Could rid me of those Brats I’ve mentioned previous…?

[Music]

Sloeworm and Slug Enter and tiptoe up behind her. Audience Participation, ad-lib. She eventually turns, sees them, and they All do a double-take and scream. She glares at them.

Sloeworm May one be of assistance?

Effluvia How did you get into the Castle? This is private property, you know?

Slug (Matter of fact) We come in through the drains…

She holds her nose. He hands her a Card, which she has to wipe!

Effluvia (Reading it) “Sloeworm and Slug – Brat-Busters!”  Brat-Busters…?

Slug Yeah. A wee vulture told us you ‘ates your Stepchildren?

Sloeworm Brats, is they?

Effluvia (Aside) “Wee vulture”? How weird… (To them) An exaggeration! They maybe Brats, but I don’t ‘ates… I mean, hate them! Just can’t stand ‘em, is all. I just want them out of my life, those irritating infants.

Slug Well, we can take ‘em off your hands! Eh, Sloeworm?

Sloeworm We could, like, I dunno? Leave ‘em deep in the Woods?

Slug We wouldn’t harm them or nuffing.

Effluvia (Unsure) You mean, abandon them?

Sloeworm & Slug Defrably.

Effluvia Hold that thought, Effluvia…! Isn’t that just a wee thing heartless?

Slug pretends to have an idea.

Slug “Heartless”? Nah!. Er, we could mebbe leave ‘em with that sweet, ‘Orrid Old ‘Ermit. You know? The one wot lives in the Woods…?

Sloeworm still doesn’t have a clue, so Slug whispers to him. The Penny drops.

Sloeworm Oh? Yeah…? He’d take care of ‘em. Eh, Slug?

Slug They’d be like Part-Time Hermits…

Sloeworm (To Effluvia) Yeah! Wot he said, Parking Permits…

Effluvia And he’d take care of them? They’d be out of my life… forever?

Sloeworm & Slug Would we lie to you?

They smirk and nudge each other.

Effluvia Hang on a wee mo’ though? Someone might ask a few… Er, awkward questions? Especially my nosey niece, Marian.

Slug Just tell ‘er they kinda “wandered off into the Woods”? You couldn’t stop ‘em. You know what Brats is like?

Effluvia smiles and they shake on it. She suddenly has an idea and goes “Ping!”

Effluvia Hang on! I’ve got a better idea! (Aside) I could give it a couple of months, couldn’t I? Then report them “missing”, presumed dead! Pretend to mourn their loss, whilst raking in their inheritance! (Shakes their hands)) Deal!

Sloeworm & Slug (Wiping their hands) Deal!

SYNOPSIS          CAST