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 Ali Baba

 Babes in the Wood

 The Legend of Cinderella

 Dick Whittington

 The Emperor’s New Clothes

 Jason and the Argo-Nuts!

 Little Red Riding Hood

 Mother Goose

 The Nutcracker Panto!

 Puss in Boots

 Robinson Crusoe

 Adventures of Sherbert Dipp


 Sleeping Beauty & the Beast

 Little Bo Peep

 The Snow Queen

 Jack and the Jabberwock

 Humpty Dumpty

Jack and the Jabberwock Sample

Quite a few characters in this scene. Our hero, Jack, has just vanquished the Giant in the Beanstalk. Admiring this feat is King Crumble, his bodyguards Humpty and Numpty, and his daughter, Apricot. But even a giant has a friend, who now makes an appearance.

Frumpy, an evil half-human creature, storms in, followed by her bird-like henchman Jubjub. She sneers and makes remarks to the Audience, ad-lib.

Jack Humpty? Numpty? Who’s the horrible and hideous inhuman hag?

Apricot Really, Jack! Don’t be so intolerant. We can’t all be beautiful, like me.

Numpty It’s the Jackersnatch, Bandy! I mean, the Bandersnatch, Jacky!

Jubjub Wotchit, mush! She’s the Freaky…

Frumpy The what, you rancid rook?

Jubjub Er, Frumious Bandersnatch, actually!

Crumble (Aside, to Apricot) What the blooming, blessed blazes is “frumious”?

Frumpy You tell ‘em, my jaunty and judicious Jubjub! My fantastically fearless, fatuous, feeble-minded, feculent, fetid, flippant, freakish, featherbrained and felonious fledgling! My most unpleasant, incandescent pheasant! I am Frumpy, the Frumious Bandersnatch!

She simpers. Jack’s face should say it all. She screams with laughter. Jack is about to pick up his sword, but Humpty holds him back. Apricot just clings onto her father. Crumble turns to his bodyguards.

Crumble Wee Humpty? Big Numpty! Arrest them!

They look at each other and, trying to look tough, stride over to them and stand on either side of Frumpy and Jubjub. They nab the miscreants!

Humpty Ye’re both remanded in… Er, custard!

Numpty We could always charge her with carrying an offensive face, eh Humpty?

Humpty Aye. What about “Tweety-Pie”?

Numpty (Giggling) Maybe arrest him for using “fowl” language?

They think this is really funny, but Jubjub just grabs both their noses and twists them. They back off.

Crumble (With resignation) What do you want with us, O Evil… Er, Grumpy?

Apricot (Defiantly) Jack’s just disposed of the wicked Giant, yeah?

Jack (Holding the sword aloft) Want to share the same fate, Ms Frumpy…?

Frumpy suddenly screams at them and laughs madly.

Frumpy A Vorpal Sword? Hear that, my spurious sparrow?

She nudges Jubjub and laughs. He giggles, sycophantically.

Jubjub (Aside) What’s a “Vorpal Sword” when it’s at home?

Frumpy (To Jack) A Vorpal Sword!? You fool! Yon’s no deterrent!

I am immortal! But, alas, the Giant… Er, weren’t!

He was my only friend you’ve cast adrift!

(Tragically) And now he lies beneath a creepy lift!

Jubjub does a double-take and takes her aside.

Jubjub “Leafy crypt”…

Frumpy What?

Jubjub “Leafy crypt”… You said “creepy lift”.

Frumpy You sure?

Jubjub Defribly. Didn’t she, Boys and Girls?

Snarks You bigger Boys and Girls too?

Audience Participation ad-lib. She shrugs.

Frumpy (Hamming it up) He was my friend! His final squeak’s been pipped!

And now he lies beneath a…

She glances at Jubjub, who mouths the correct phrase.

Frumpy Beneath a leafy crypt…!