Humpty Dumpty

Characters

MERLIN The Legendary Magician
MORGANA LE FEY An Evil Sorceress
DAME DOLLY DUMPTY Humpty’s Widowed Mother
HUMPTY DUMPTY Merlin’s Apprentice
MORDRED Morgana's Son
MALICIOUS SENNAPOD Mordred’s Henchman
NEFARIOUS CASCARA His Other Henchman
GUINEVERE Blunderbuss’ Daughter (Aka - Jenny)
ARTIE  A Kitchen Slave
BLUNDERBUSS The Roman Governor

  CHORUS OF ROMAN SOLDIERS, VILLAGERS, FOREST CREATURES & CO  

The Panto takes place in the Highlands during the Roman Occupation of Scotland

  Sample Scene  

This scene is set on the shores of Loch Ness. We get to meet all the baddies - the sorceress Morgana Le Fey, her son, Mordred, her two henchmen, Malicious and Nefarious... and a certain monster!

The setting is still Front of Curtain. Thunder and lightning in the distance. There is a “water-effect” on the Curtain. Mordred tiptoes in, carrying a lantern.

Mordred Mammy? Are ye there? It’s me, Mordred! Yer little maggot! Yer hairy son... I mean, son and heir! Yer wee treasure! Yer borstal bairn! Where are ye? I’ve got goose bumps on my goose bumps! Ye ken I hate the dark! I can’t even wear “Ray Ban’s”!

He stumbles out. Malicious and Nefarious back in from opposite directions, also carrying lanterns.

Malicious (Stage whisper) Master Mordred? Coo-ee? It’s me, Malicious! Vicious Malicious! The one your mother secretly fancies? Delicious, Vicious Malicious!

Nefarious (Stage whisper) Master Mordred? It’s me, Nefarious. Gregarious Nefarious! The one that makes your mother laugh? Hilarious, Gregarious Nefarious!

Malicious Who wants to better himself? Ambitious Malicious! The one what never lets you out of his sight? Suspicious, Ambitious, Delicious and Vicious Malicious!

Nefarious The one what’s always on tenterhooks with your mother? Precarious Nefarious! What fills yer hot water bottles? Aquarius, Precarious, Hilarious and Gregarious Nefarious!

They back into each other and give themselves a fright.

Malicious Don’t sneak up behind folk! Ye’ve gave me palpitations! I’ve went and took a funny turn now.

Nefarious Not half as funny as your face! It’s like a melted wellie…

Malicious Did somebody sit on your face when it was still warm?

Nefarious Did you fall oot the “Ugly Tree” and hit every branch on the way doon?

Both I’m more handsome than you are!

They argue, getting the Audience to join in. Mordred storms in and tops them.

Mordred The only one round here what’s handsome is me! Get it?

Malicious & Nefarious Got it.

Mordred Good! Any more snash from you pair of rancid Romans, or from them brats in the Audience, and I’ll put a spell on you!

Malicious I’m fair quivering in my boots... not.

Mordred Think I can’t do it, eh? Me? Myself! I take after my Mammy… I am steeped in evil! See these fingers? Pure dangerous! (Shows his hands) They’re dynamite!

Nefarious Well… Stick one up yer nose and blow yer heid aff!

Mordred Horrid Henchman! (Cuffs him) My Mammy's not the only one with evil powers, ye ken. I'll turn ye into puddocks! Ye can go for a wee dip in the Loch!

Nefarious Fire away, David Blaine...

Malicious Away you and wave yer wand… Here! Tell ye what. Ye can give me magic underpants instead …

Mordred Magic underpants?

Malicious Aye... Make them disappear up my bum. (Aside) Magic spells, my foot!

Mordred I can, ye know! I can cast spells till I’m... I’m... breathless, so I can!

Nefarious Do ye tell me? Spells till you’re breathless? Try some “Runes” instead.

Mordred Runes?

Nefarious Aye... They’ll help ye breathe more easily. (Laughs) “Runes”? “Tunes”... Get it? Suit yerselves… (To Mordred) Spells, is it? Puddocks, is it? (To Audience) He can’t even “spell” his own name. “Mordred of the Midden” he calls himself. Huh! See when he was born? The midwife slapped his mother.

Mordred Watch this, pal! (He raises his arms) Here’s a spell I prepared earlier…
By the darkness of the Moon,
By the Rudeness of this Rune,
By mouldy mire and sniffled snots,
Ye'll both be Puddocks! (To Audience) “Frogs” in Scots...

Song: Mordred

Malicious and Nefarious pretend to be completely entranced, doing a silly dance along to the Song. They sway for a moment or two and then put on terrible “French” accents.

Both Ooh-la-la! Bonjour matelot! (Aside) Eedjit.

Mordred (Sulks) Wait till my Mammy turns up. She’ll show you.

Morgana enters.

Morgana What will I show them, my belligerent bluebottle?

Mordred Suspicious and ambitious Malicious is being awfully vicious! And Aquarius, precarious Nefarious isn’t so hilarious!

Malicious and Nefarious cuddle up to her. They get the Audience to go “Aahh”.

Malicious How hurtful! I would go to the ends of the earth for him... Climb the highest mountain! Swim the deepest ocean… Brave the January Sales…

Nefarious I’d cross the widest desert… Struggle through the deepest jungle… Fight a man-eating… Er, sandwiches… Sook a lemon… Apart from weekends and public holidays obviously. We’d never insult him…

Mordred Oh, yes ye would!

Malicious & Nefarious Oh, no we wouldn’t!

Audience Participation ad lib.

Morgana Any more of this annoying, niggling nonsense then, as much as I like you, I’ll be forced to do... “The Fearful Football”!

Mordred Not “The Fearful Football”?

Malicious What’s that?

Morgana If ye support Hearts, I’ll tear out yer heart!

Mordred If ye support Liverpool, she’ll tear out yer liver!

Nefarious I’m glad we don’t support Arsenal.

Morgana What team do ye support?

Both (Hands on their trousers) Brechin!

They both get cuffed.

The Tabs Open

The Setting is a ruined crannog overlooking Loch Ness.

Weird Music

Morgana Behold, my mawkit Mordred of the Midden! We stand upon the shores of Loch Ness!

Mordred What shores?

Nefarious (Giggling) I’ll have a dry sherry…

Malicious What a dreich dump!

He ducks before she gets a chance to cuff him.

Morgana We are going to teach Merlin a wee lesson. He’s turned Caledonia into a land fit for fearties! Well, once we’ve disposed of my half-brother Blunderbuss, I’ll unleash my wrath upon them Celts… (She points to Audience and blusters) I mean to say! Who does Merlin think he is? I’ll set my Werewolves and Ghouls on him… How’s an evil sorceress supposed to earn a dishonest crust, a loathsome living, a poisonous pension? Keeping a low profile for the past twenty years? One could absolutely spit, so one could.

She does. Malicious gets it in the eye.

Morgana Tut! Filthy habit. I’ll give it up next Lent...

Mordred Yon’s all Merlin’s fault. Auld goat.

Morgana Twenty years have passed since Merlin had that little chat with the Audience. And for twenty years I’ve waited and planned for my revenge! Now we’ll see who’s the more powerful. Me... Or Merlin. Blunderbuss and his Roman Legions will be scared out of their wits, all resistance will be crushed, you’ll rule the land, marry my niece naturally, I’ll be the power behind the throne and Merlin’ll be made a complete laughing-stock... All happiness will be banished from the Land! Taxes will be increased! And we shall have a Conservative Government for a thousand years!

She and Mordred laugh and dance around the stage.

Malicious & Nefarious Ye don’t want much, do you?

They are scowled at, so they shrug and cuff each other.

Mordred Here! Hold on! How are ye going to manage all this? Uncle Blunderbuss knows ye dabble in the black arts…  I’ve seen you cursing over a cauldron, like some gruesome Gordon Ramsay… (Aside) I’ve never heard such language!

Morgana He just thinks it’s my little hobby… No. But you, my son, shall do the dirty deed! Uncle Blunderbuss will be none the wiser!

Mordred Me?

Morgana Start as you mean to go on… Lift yon rock!

Mordred lifts a rock and finds several large, yellow objects.

Mordred Awfy, very, terribly, gey strange. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say they were Dragon’s Teeth! (He giggles)

Malicious What do you think, Watson?

Nefarious You’ve lost me, Holmes!

Morgana Peep thy gas, the pair of you... They are Dragon’s Teeth!

Malicious & Nefarious Dragon’s Teeth?

Malicious Away you, and don’t be silly... From a dirty big dragon? Dragon’s don’t exist! Eh, no, Boys and Girls?

Morgana Oh, yes they do!

Malicious & Nefarious Oh, no they don’t!

Audience Participation ad lib.

Mordred Everybody knows Merlin cast the Dread Dragon into the watery depths of…

He consults an Ordnance Survey map, takes out a large “penny” and drops it!

Mordred Loch Ness! (He gives his Mother “five”)

Morgana Thy evil legacy, Mordred! Thy destiny! Mummy’s little nest-egg! Merlin didn’t get one over on me! I’ve still got a few more tricks up me sleeve, no danger! I’ll consign his bones to the bottom of Loch Ness! He’ll end up a fluid druid! (She overlooks the Loch and sings) “Loch, help a lady tonight!”

She nudges Mordred and he throws the teeth into the Loch.

Mordred What happens now?

Morgana Wheesht!

She whispers in his ear. Entranced, he faces the Loch again and begins to sway and chant.

Mordred By the darkness of the Mystic Moon!

Nefarious (Giggling) By the slackness of an ancient prune!

Mordred Powers of Darkness, Evil, Foul and Vile,
Come Stygian Storms and put Ness on the bile!

A storm starts to build up. The Loch starts to boil and bubble. Malicious and Nefarious panic and take cover. Mordred is in his element.

Mordred By Dread and Deadly Dragon’s Wallies Weird,
Mordred of the Midden isn’t feared!

Morgana Prove to all who’s mega-mega-sneaky!
Arise, dread Dragon! Feared and fierce Auld Reekie!

The storm reaches its full fury as, with an unearthly roar, Auld Reekie re-appears. Malicious jumps into Nefarious’ arms.

Malicious & Nefarious (Terrified) Romulus and Remus! Castor and…

Morgana & Mordred Walkies!

They scream with laughter as Auld Reekie roars and disappears from view.

Morgana To all the airts thy fierce and fiery breath,
Shall bring destruction, doom and... Merlin’s death!

The Tabs Close

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