Humpty Dumpty

Characters

MERLIN The Legendary Magician
MORGANA LE FEY An Evil Sorceress
DAME DOLLY DUMPTY Humpty’s Widowed Mother
HUMPTY DUMPTY Merlin’s Apprentice
MORDRED Morgana's Son
MALICIOUS SENNAPOD Mordred’s Henchman
NEFARIOUS CASCARA His Other Henchman
GUINEVERE Blunderbuss’ Daughter (Aka - Jenny)
ARTIE  A Kitchen Slave
BLUNDERBUSS The Roman Governor

  CHORUS OF ROMAN SOLDIERS, VILLAGERS, FOREST CREATURES & CO  

The Panto takes place in the Highlands during the Roman Occupation of Scotland

  Sample Scene

Morgana Le Fey and her son, Mordred, have raised the Dragon “Auld Reekie” from the depths of Loch Ness and now they are about to let it attack the Roman Fort. In the meantime Our Principal Boy, Artie, has fallen in love with Guinevere and has also insulted Mordred. Mordred complains to the Roman Governor, Blunderbuss, but to no avail…

MORDRED Ye’ll not hear the last of this!

MORGANA Come, Mordred. Let us storm out!

They both exit, repeating “Rumble, rumble and boom”.

BLUNDERBUSS (Watching them go) Silly wee laddie... Nice personality though, somewhere… (To the others, laughing) Merlin once told me that there is love and magic everywhere. All you have to do is believe in it… (To Merlin) Right?

MERLIN Right!

Reprise: Blunderbuss & Company

At the end of the Reprise there is thunder and lightning, followed by a deafening roar. Screams, panic and confusion ensue.

MERLIN (Aside) Oh, no... It can’t be?!

DOLLY (To Humpty) Humphrey! Was that you “bottom burping”?

Humpty blushes.

DOLLY Now see what you’ve done! And in front of the Governor…

HUMPTY I didn’t know it was his turn!

Dolly cuffs him. Morgana and Mordred burst in.

BLUNDERBUSS (Terrified) What’s happening, Merlin?

MORGANA I fear ‘tis... Auld Reekie!

MERLIN (Aside, to Morgana) Is this your doing?

MORGANA (Aside, to him) Prove it!

Humpty, Dolly and the Chorus run off.  Auld Reekie is heard rampaging and causing panic, off-stage. The soldiers encircle Blunderbuss.

BLUNDERBUSS Auld Reekie? I thought you sent him to the bottom of Loch Ness, Merlin?

MERLIN I thought I had...

MORGANA That’s what comes of trusting daft auld druids like Merlin. The Great Glen is accursed!

Jenny screams and is comforted by Artie.

ARTIE Do something, Merlin!

JENNY Use your magic?

MERLIN There are dark powers afoot! There’s no magic that a white wizard can use in the face of such evil! If only we had… Thingummy… (To Audience) What was the sword called again?

AUDIENCE Excalibur!

Suddenly the commotion ceases and Auld Reekie’s roars fade into the distance.

BLUNDERBUSS I thought “Excalibur” was just a legend.

MERLIN It’s not. It lies deep within a cave… At the edge of the Haunted Forest!

He slyly winks at the Audience.

BLUNDERBUSS Well then… If this “Excalibur” can slay the dragon and free this land from evil… My soldiers and I will go into the forest and retrieve it! (To a soldier) What say you, Spartacus?

SOLDIERS No... he's Spartacus... No... he's Spartacus (Etc.)

MERLIN Yon forest is ower dangerous, Blunderbuss. Give me time to think of some other way?

BLUNDERBUSS There is no other way, my old friend. Caledonia has treated me well and now its payback time! We’ll leave this very night! (To himself) Overnight bag, toothbrush… Hiking boots, perhaps?

ARTIE (Suddenly) I’ll go with you!

MERLIN (Aside) Good lad!

JENNY No, Arthur!

ARTIE I must, Jenny… I feel it’s my destiny. (To Blunderbuss) Please?

BLUNDERBUSS (To Audience) Should I let him, Boys and Girls?

Audience Participation ad lib.

BLUNDERBUSS Help us to find Excalibur and… I’ll grant you your freedom, laddie.

ARTIE (Aside) Yes!

Humpty runs in with his bag of inventions, followed by Dolly. He nearly collides with Blunderbuss.

DOLLY Get back here, you!

HUMPTY Forgive me, Wonder-Truss…

DOLLY Blunderbuss…

HUMPTY I can help out too! I’ve got these inventions…!

MERLIN (Taking him aside) This is a serious situation, Humpty. We’ve not got time for you or your daft inventions!

HUMPTY But…

MERLIN (Sternly) Go away!

DOLLY Sorry about this… Come on, you!

Humpty again plays on the Audience’s sympathy.

HUMPTY They’re not “daft inventions”… (Tearfully)  I’ll show them!

He runs off.

DOLLY He means well… (Exits)

MERLIN (Aside) I know he does…

BLUNDERBUSS What are we waiting for? Let’s find Excalibur… and death to the Dragon!
ALL Death to the Dragon!

Song: Blunderbuss & Company

They all exit, except Morgana and Mordred.

MORDRED You said Excali-Thingummy is stuck in some big, muckle stone. What if Blunderbuss or Artie finds it and pulls it oot? We be doomed, I tell ‘ee! Doomed!

MORGANA Shut it. They’ll never reach the cave! But, just to make sure they don’t find the sword, we shall entrap them in the Forest. When they go down to the woods tonight, they’re in for a big surprise! (Laughs) We’ll give it a few days then spread the rumour that yer dearest Uncle has been... Er...

MORDRED Nibbled by the badgers? Devoured by starving wolves?

MORGANA You’re learning fast... Once he’s been officially declared potted-heid, you shall declare yourself the rightful King of Caledonia! No clarty Celt or remaining Roman would dare to dispute it… Or else! (Laughs) What will be Your Majesty’s first command?

MORDRED Cancel Christmas!

They laugh horribly. In the distance Auld Reekie roars.

BOTH (To the Audience) Be afraid! Be very afraid!

Black Out

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