The Golden Fleece 
or 
Goodnight Hades!  

Characters

Hades Demon King of the Underworld
King Pelias Jason’s Evil Uncle
Jason Greatest of All Greek Heroes
Orpheus Greatest Singer in the World
Heracles Strongest Man in the World
Atalanta An Amazon Princess
Aphrodite Goddess of Love and Beauty
Athena Fairy Queen of the Gods
 Medea A Sorceress
Detritus Hades’ Scruffy Servant
Styx Hades’ Pet Harpy
Odious Pelias’ Son
Argus Captain of “The Argo”
Circe Queen of the Sirens

           Chorus of Argonauts, Assorted Monsters & C.  

Sample Scene 

Meet the Circus Arcadia!

Orpheus marches in, playing his magical lute and leading a group of “Circus Performers”, amongst them Heracles displaying his various feats of “strength” and martial arts; and Atalanta – displaying her dancing, balancing, archery or juggling skills? Some are carrying bright flags and banners announcing the arrival of “The Circus Arcadia”. The other Performers also show off their various skills.

Song: Orpheus, Heracles, Atalanta & Circus Performers

Orpheus (The “Ringmaster” during a break in the Song) Ladies and Gentlemen! Boys and Girls! Ancient Greeks and Bygone Spartans. Welcome one, welcome all to “The Circus Arcadia”! Every Greek Hero you’ve ever heard of, and quite a few you’ve never heard of, all appearing for one night only! Witness and marvel at the beauty and skill of Atalanta, Princess of the Amazons, fresh from the Steppes of Central Asia! Witness and marvel at the great feats of strength from Heracles, son of Zeus, fresh from the steps of the Jobcentre! Witness and marvel at Orpheus, the best, and though I says it who shouldn’t, finest singer and musician who braved the dreaded Underworld! Who charmed the terrible giant dog…

Others Get on with it!

Orpheus Roll up, roll up! Come one, come all to “The Circus Arcadia”, the Greatest Show on Earth!

Song: Reprise

Despite their best efforts they fail to attract any punters. They round on poor old Orpheus.

Heracles (Wheezing after his displays of strength) “Witness and marvel at the great feats of strength from Heracles, son of Zeus”? Nobody’s witnessing, mate! All them feats of strength for nothing.

Atalanta (Mockingly) Feats of strength…? I’ve got bigger feats to my name, matey.

Orpheus I know… I keep tripping over ‘em.

She shoots him a nasty look.

Heracles Them nasty nunchakus is nearly knackering you know!

Atalanta Thank you, “Jackie Chan”… Honestly, Orpheus! Don’t you think this whole “Circus Arcadia” thingy is a complete waste of time?

The others agree.

Atalanta I’m an Amazon Princess. I am not an entertainer.

Orpheus (Aside) You can say that again…

Atalanta We Amazons are a proud female warrior race, of which I am a Princess you know… No men allowed and Showbiz is a definite no-no… Girl Power!

Orpheus indicates she should keep her voice down.

Orpheus Shush… Don’t let Aphrodite hear you! “The Circus Arcadia” was her idea in the first place. She got all us heroes together, didn’t she? Nobody needs heroes these days, do they? But she said that one day the world would need us again. She’s just keeping us in the public eye is all. She’s really passionate.

Atalanta She’s really past it, you mean. Anyway, she’s not my Boss… Okay. Maybe she’s the Goddess of Love and Beauty, or so she thinks, but she ain’t an Amazon Princess. Did I mention I was an Amazon Princess?

The others sigh.

Atalanta Just checking… What does she know about heroic deeds? When did she ever slay a wild boar, like me? An Amazon…

Orpheus (Sniggering) A wild bore, like you?

Atalanta (Ignoring him) Who’s flute of feet… I mean, fleet of foot? One cannot simply imagine why she called upon my services…  An Amazon Princess… Wait a minute! “All us heroes”? What’s all this about “all us heroes”?

Heracles Since when were you a “hero”? Who burst into tears when Pete Waterman slated him?

Orpheus (Blustering) I charmed a giant dog, you know! It had more teeth than Esther Rantzen…

Heracles No, you didn’t.

Orpheus Oh, yes I did!

They go into the time-honoured routine.

Heracles It was actually a little puppy, you blowhard. And you didn’t “charm” it. You sang to it… What was it again? “Who let the dogs out?” Poor little thing. It lost the will to live. May Rolf Harris forgive you.

Orpheus How very dare you! I am an artiste! I’m just as heroic as you lot… I can charm wild beasts, with me magical lute! It takes a lot of courage to lullaby a lion. Thousands of dumb animals enjoy my music… See! (A quick glance at the Audience) I should have been orchestrated.

The others give the Audience a knowing look.

Orpheus I mean to say! I work all night, I work all day… To pay the bills I have to pay.

Others (Mocking him) Ain’t it sad.

Orpheus I’ll have you know even Aphrodite’s given me a couple of glowing testimonials.

Heracles They’ll come in handy at night-time…

Orpheus I won’t let the sun go down on me…I have a talent, a wonderful thing. ‘Cause everyone listens when I start to sing!

Others No, they don’t.

Orpheus That jolly well does it! (Puts his fists up for a fight) Let’s rumble!

Heracles Here we go again!

Orpheus I’ll take on anybody!

Others Just as long as you don’t sing to us!

Orpheus I jolly well will sing! I’m so grateful and proud. All I want is to sing it out loud. So I say… (Sings) “Thank you for the music…”

He keeps on singing, despite Atalanta and Heracles’ efforts to stop him. The others cover their ears, groaning. Suddenly a voice, off, takes up Orpheus’ song. All become aware of the singing and look off. Jason bounds in – as well as one can with one sandal - and slaps his thigh. The others, apart from Orpheus, are open-mouthed. Jason and Orpheus harmonise the rest of the song. The others are about to riot and call for Aphrodite. She suddenly bounds in from the “Olympus” building, dressed like one of the girls in “Abba”, and joins in the song. The racket is awful. The others run off still covering their ears, leaving Orpheus, Jason, Heracles, Atalanta and Aphrodite.

Aphrodite (To the Audience, during the song) All together now…

They finish the song and applaud themselves. Jason slaps his thigh again.

Jason What fun! Are you entertainers? A group of Strolling Players perhaps? (To Orpheus) Didn’t I see you on “Fame Academy”?

Orpheus “Pop Idol” actually…

Heracles Nope… We’re “The Circus Arcadia”! The Circus of Heroes!

Atalanta And Heroines!

He, Atalanta and Orpheus pose. Jason suddenly notices Atalanta.

Jason Tell me thy name, O Wondrous Wench?

Aphrodite gets the wrong end of the stick.

Aphrodite Abba-ditto… I mean, Aphrodite’s the name. (To the Audience) Goddess of Love and Beauty, you know.

Atalanta and Heracles snort.

Aphrodite (To them) Just as well I’m a goddess, or I’d give you such a slap in the teeth… (To Audience) I’m worshipped in Greece, chip fat and lard. Women envy me and men fall at me feet. Like the outfit by the way? I usually wear a diaphanous nightie. See-through. (Winks at the audience)  It’s not that revealing. I wear it back-to-front. Suit yourselves… Next time I’ll wear me Circus dress. It’s got a big top. If you behave yourselves I might put on my skin-tight, leather suit, with matching brown beret. No, on second thoughts… Last time           I wore me brown beret, it was blown off in a gale and landed in a field of cows. You’ve guessed it. I tried on six before I found the right one. Talk about “a pat on the head”. Mind you, I do have the figure of a woman half my age…

Heracles Better give her it back again. You’re getting it all wrinkled.

Atalanta I knew it was a mistake putting her face on the posters…

Atalanta then suddenly notices that Jason is still gaping at her, open-mouthed. He tries to slap his thigh but keeps on missing.

Atalanta (To Jason) What’s your problem? Never seen an Amazon Princess before? (To the others) What’s with the thigh slapping?

Jason is still gaping at her.

Aphrodite (To Audience) Look at him… Ain’t he sweet? You’d think he’d never seen a woman… Sorry, an Amazon Princess before. (To him) Yes, dear. She’s a woman. You know what a woman is, don’t you? They’re the ones that dance backwards, have a high voice and a dress circle…  Or, in my case, flying buttresses. Who are you dear? (No response) Forgotten your name? Like to phone a friend? Ask the audience? (To Audience) Any idea who he is, boys and girls? How about you bigger boys and girls? How about you two bald guys in the front row… Oh, sorry Madam… How about you Grannies and Grandads? Now…Who’s older than Grannies and Grandads? The band! (To Accompanists) Do you know? Say, “Yes, Aphrodite!”

Audience Participation ad lib. Atalanta is secretly beginning to like Jason’s interest in her, although she’d never admit to it.

Jason Gosh! I think you’re just wonderful…

Orpheus, Heracles and Aphrodite all think he’s talking about them.

Others Shucks!

Atalanta (Realising) Are you talking to me? Sexist…

She is, however, thrilled. The others introduce themselves.

Orpheus How do. Darius. I mean, Orpheus. Often impersonated on “Stars In Their Eyes”.

Heracles Couldn’t even carry a tune in a bucket…  (“New Zealand” accent) Some call me “Gladiator”…

Orpheus I think you’ll find it’s “Gladys”…

Heracles tries a few feats of strength and fails.

Heracles But you can call me “Heracles”.

Slaps Jason heartily on the back and hurts his hand.

Jason Not the Heracles? The son of Zeus?

Heracles The same.

Jason Sorry… Never heard of you.

Atalanta Not that it’s any of your business, but I’m Atalanta…

Others (Yawning) An Amazon Princess…

Jason Jason…. The name’s Jason.

Aphrodite does an elaborate double-take and goes into the full “Drama Queen” melodramatic mode.

Aphrodite It all makes sense! The sweet voice, the well-turned ankle… But enough about me… The physique, the bruising on the bronzed thigh, the one sandal… The prophecy of Zeus is fulfilled! “The Circus Arcadia” is now complete! The power of the gods shall be restored! A Hero shall arise! The return of “The Golden Fleece” is no longer a dream! (To Audience) If that don’t get me an “Olivier Award”, there’s no justice…

Jason “A Hero shall arise”? Me? Do you mean me? Gosh…  Even with one sandal to me name?

Others Excuse me… We’re the heroes round here you know … I’ve got two sandals, me… “Golden Fleece”? What Golden Fleece? (Etc; ad lib)

Aphrodite I must have mentioned it, surely…? No?

She produces a golden amulet from her vast bosom and hands it to Jason.

Music

Aphrodite This belongs to you, son. Fashioned by Zeus himself. I’ve kept it safe since you were five years old. It was your father’s… Now, it’s yours.

Jason My father’s…? Chiron? I don’t understand. He never mentioned it.

Aphrodite Hold it up to the light. Look…

Jason does as he is asked. Suddenly the back of the stage is basked in a golden light. Heracles jumps into Orpheus’ arms and is rapidly dropped. The light illuminates the masked figure of Jason’s “double” wearing “The Golden Fleece” – the skull of a ram with its fleece intact, golden and sparkling. Behind him stand the masked figures of Aeson and Polymele. A Chorus of Naiads enters from “Olympus” dancing. All are carrying golden cups. They step aside as Athena, the Fairy Queen of the Gods enters. She also carries a large handbag. Heracles, Orpheus and Atalanta are stunned. Jason seems in a trance.

Athena                ‘Tis time for me to set this dreamlike scene,
                        For I’m an Ancient Grecian Fairy Queen!
                        Me wondrous powers are to perfection honed
                        Trouble is, I’ve lost me magic “woned”!

She fumbles for her magic wand in her bag but can’t find it. She giggles

                       Forgive this sweet and giggling girlish chortle
                        I’m Athena and I’m frightfully immortal!
                        On Mount Olympus I’m the main protector,
                        In charge of Naiads, Nuptials, Nosh and Nectar!

Aphrodite grabs one of the golden cups. She toasts the Naiads and then the Audience. The Naiads reciprocate. She drinks, hiccups and hands the cup back. She has to lean against the proscenium arch.

Aphrodite           She’ll do some magic, Jason, in a jiffy…
                    Oops! I fear that Nectar’s made one squiffy!

Athena                The Golden Fleece has power and fate combined!
                       Its destiny and yours are intertwined!
                       With ancient arts Zeus conjured and intoned!
                       Suffice to say the Golden Fleece was cloned!
                       With help of Magic from Olympic Fairies,
                       He created a resplendent, priceless Aries!
                       It’s purest wool – no shrinking and no stretching!
                       And spun with precious gold dust – Ain’t it fetching?
                       Alas, the Fleece is now in evil hands!
                       Zeus fears that Darkness will engulf the Lands!
                       Every day our powers are diminished…
                       Find the Fleece, O Jason, or we’re finished

Dramatic Music

The lights fade. When they come back up again, Athena, the Naiads, Jason’s “double”, Aeson and Polymele have vanished.

Aphrodite Now do you see?  Without the Fleece, people will start forgetting about the gods. And soon, no one will need Heroes anymore either.

It slowly dawns on the others – apart from Heracles. Orpheus drops a large “penny”.

Orpheus One day…

Atalanta The world will need us again…

Aphrodite Do you understand now, Jason? All the power of Zeus is in that magical amulet. It’s the only guide to finding the Golden Fleece and restoring it to Olympus. Wear it next to your heart. One day your heart will lead you to it. I promise. (Aside) There once was a dream that was Olympus. It shall be realised again.

Jason But, why me? Is this my destiny? My fate in one sandal?

Aphrodite All in good time… All our fates are in your sandal, you know.

Heracles That’s one big sandal…

Aphrodite So, Jason, like to join the Circus?

Heracles “The Circus Arcadia”?

Atalanta Only on a temporary basis, you understand. It’s only for heroes…And Amazon Princesses.

Orpheus It’s the Greatest Show on Earth!

Reprise: Jason, Aphrodite, Heracles, Orpheus & Atalanta

They exit.

Thunder and lightning. Medea enters.

Medea                  Ye think yon spotty youth can Evil quench? 
                        Yet here’s Medea – with attendant stench!
                        The Darkest Arts I practise every day!
                        All phantoms, ghosts and ghouls are so passé…
                        Me heart, once human, now is full of spite!
                        I nicked the Golden Fleece! ‘Twas mine by right!
                        When it comes to Evil I’m divine.
                        Of all the nickers I’m the “Calvin Klein”!
                        By every low-down dive I’ve ever been in,
                        By every rubbish Panto that I’m seen in,
                        By every nasty thing I haven’t did,
                        By every bit of snot… The Fleece is hid!
                        To those who seek the Fleece… They’ll not believe,
                        The monsters I’ve got hidden up me sleeve…

She laughs and exits.    

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