The Golden Fleece 
or 
Goodnight Hades!  

Characters

Hades 
King Pelias Jason’s Evil Uncle
Jason Greatest of All Greek Heroes
Orpheus Greatest Singer in the World
Heracles Strongest Man in the World
Atalanta An Amazon Princess
Aphrodite Goddess of Love and Beauty
Athena Fairy Queen of the Gods
 Medea A Sorceress
Detritus Hades’ Scruffy Servant
Styx Hades’ Pet Harpy
Odious Pelias’ Son
Argus Captain of “The Argo”
Circe Queen of the Sirens

           Chorus of Argonauts, Assorted Monsters & C.  

Sample Scene 

In this scene, we are introduced to an odd collection of volunteer Argonauts. And, boy... are they odd!

Voice-Over Another plummy accent) This is the BBC Home Service. Here are the news headlines read by Troy Woodenhorse. “Anonymous sources at the court of King Knuckles…” I’m sorry. I’ll read that again… “King Pelias the Iron-Fisted have exclusively revealed the whereabouts of the Golden Fleece. His Majesty is therefore seeking volunteers to sail on a perilous journey into the unknown. The BBC can now confirm the main crew of ‘The Argo’ will comprise the famous Circus Arcadia, led by Jason of the Solo Sandal and, naturally, a BBC documentary crew… But His Majesty is also asking for you other potential… Or, in the modern parlance, “wannabe”… Heroes and Heroines out there to make yourselves available at a moment’s notice to sign up, join the crew and make ready to sail on the adventure of a lifetime… You can also apply online. Why not log on to His Majesty’s website at www.imustbeoutofmymiond.com..." The voice fades.  

Music

A sail is “flown” in to represent “The Argo”. Detritus runs in.

Detritus Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! Yes, they’re here and yes, they’re famous… Please welcome the greatest Heroes and Heroines of the Ancient World… It’s the  “Argo-Nutters”!

He grabs a microphone and introduces the Argonauts as they enter one by one from the platform and sashay down onto the stage.

Music

Detritus Let’s give a hearty “hooray” to Achilles. A bit of a heel, but loveable all the same. Let’s hope he won’t be “tendon” his resignation… It’s the King of Macedonia himself… It’s Alexander… Anything to say to all your fans out there, Lexie?

Alexander I am the greatest!

Detritus We’ll see… Lock up your sons, for its Aphrodite! The face that sank a thousand ships. Like to say a few words?

Aphrodite Thanks, Detritus. I’d just like to say a big “hello” to all my friends out there. I’d also like to thank my main sponsors, “Wonderbra”. Thanks for your support. And also a very big “thank you” to the suppliers of my incredibly sexy under-garments, “Tupperware”. They may be uncomfortable, but they keep everything fresh…

Detritus Really? My underpants are magic… They keep disappearing up me bum… So, what are your plans once the voyage is over?

Aphrodite No plans as yet. But, rumour has it, the makers of the “Barbie Doll” are going to base next year’s model on me!

Detritus Okay… So, all you girls out there keep an eye open for next year’s “Cellulite Barbie”…

Aphrodite smiles and sends him flying. He recovers himself.

Detritus Yes, I’m told she’ll be the Ship’s cook. She just loves spicy food. Last time, she cooked everybody a vindaloo. Vindaloo, did I say? Never out the loo more like… Who’s up next? Why, avast there me hearties, with a bottle of rum, its Captain Argus… He may be cheap and he may be tatty, but he’s always got something in store… Next up is Atalanta, the original “Lara Croft” from the Steppes of Central Asia. Tell me, Atalanta. When the Golden Fleece is found, what’s next?

Atalanta (Bimbo) Well, Delirious, I’ve got several fires in the iron. I’m in negotiations for a film career, a modelling contract, a possible record deal and being a special ambassador to the United Nations. I’m also planning to ghost-write write my autobiology.

Detritus And what’s it going to be called?

Atalanta “Your Turn to Wash the Steppes”…

Detritus  Bet that’ll be a best seller. Thanks, Atalanta… And here’s Boreas, who suffers terribly from wind. You probably know his Auntie, Cyclone… Here’s Calypso, one of the best female rap artists this side of Staines… Looking forward to your next album! Boyakasha! Maximum respect, innit… Hey! Here’s Christopher Columbus! He hasn’t even been born yet and he’s on the wrong boat! What’s your take on the voyage?

Columbus (Spanish accent) Y viva Ethpaņa! (Sings) “I like to be in America! Okay by me in America!” (Etc.)

Detritus Whoa, Chris. Don’t give up your day job… Come on down, Cyclops! I’m sure you’ll keep half an eye on the crew! Hello there, Echo. Don’t repeat yourself… I said, don’t repeat yourself… Who’s this? Why, it’s Elgin. Did somebody say he’s lost his marbles? Good Zeus! It’s Euripides, the ship’s tailor… Shove your elephants up the Alps with some fava beans and a nice Chianti, its Hannibal! Heracles, Son of Zeus! He needs no introduction, so I won’t bother…Be amazed as he bends a paper clip in two! Hermes, messenger of the Gods! With his winged sandals, I bet his feet won’t touch… Chocks away chaps and get out the “Brylcreem” for a wizard prang, for its Icarus… He does all sorts of things! (Laughs) “Icarus Allsorts”… Jason, naturally… Well! If it ain’t Midas, the ship’s treasurer. Hide your mirrors, for here’s Narcissus! Boy, what a poseur… New to our band of heroes is Odious. Yes, he’s Odious by name and odious by nature… How you doing, Odysseus? Bet on any wooden horses lately? Mama Mia, its Oedipus… I bet “Fathers Day” was a bit of a let down! What a big girl’s blouse… Bless! Plug your ears, for here comes Orpheus. Keep your head down, it’s Pandora… What are you going to do, love? Take the money or open the box? Zut alors, and pardon my French, its Paris! Tell me, Paris. Is it true you’re only loved in the springtime?

He thinks that remark is hilarious. Paris doesn’t think so and grabs him by the scruff of the neck.

Paris (French accent) ‘Ow you like a punch up ze froat?

Detritus Was it something I said? Who’s that I see? It’s Sinbad! Boy, is he in the wrong Panto!

Sinbad slaps his thigh.

Jason Hey! That’s my job

Detritus Add me and you’ve got… The Argonauts!

Music

The Argonauts parade. Pelias re-enters to wave them on their way.

Jason Come on, Orpheus! Give us a rousing chorus to send us on our way!

The Argonauts protest, but he shouts them down.

Orpheus If you insist… Let’s all sing “The Marching Song of the Earwigs”!

Jason Superb… It’s not one I’m familiar with. How does it go?

Orpheus (Singing) “Earwig-o, earwig-o, earwig-o!”

He is yelled down. Jason thinks of another song. Pelias happily joins in.

Song: Jason & The Argonauts

During the Song Aphrodite presents Jason with a new pair of sandals! A ship’s wheel is brought on and placed on the platform at the back. The Argonauts bring on barrels and make the shape of a ship. They sit on the barrels and mime “rowing” as they sing. Pelias exits during the song. This Scene segues into Scene Two.

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