The Emperor's New Clothes

This scene, from the Second Act, is set in the Emperor’s Boudoir , and is firmly rooted in the original short tale by Hans Christian Anderson when the Emperor is dressed by two tailors who promise him the finest suit of clothes from a fabric invisible to anyone who is unfit for his position or stupid. It was an opportunity to lampoon fashion gurus and TV makeover shows that couldn't be resisted! The scene ends with an appearance by the villainous General Tao Yan, who is ready to exploit the Emperor Jing Mai's supposed weakness.

The Setting is Front of Tabs. There is an elaborately decorated screen, perhaps with a Dragon design on it, a large wicker basket and perhaps some fancy chairs or other Imperial furnishings.

“Comedy” Music

Jing Mai skips in, wearing a robe and a pair of fluffy slippers.

Song: Jing Mai

Wushu and Gung Po enter and bow to him.

Jing Mai (Eagerly) Rumour has it you have designed yet another new outfit for me?

Wushu Even more elaborate than the last one? ‘Tis true, O Astrological Axiom!

Jing Mai (Unsure) Yes, whatever… Oh, joy! I’ll go and get ready!

He goes behind the screen and re-emerges, this time in a rather fetching pair of pink long-johns, with matching vest or tee-shirt. He indicates the basket.

Jing Mai In here, is it? (Excited) Let me see it! Let me see it! (To Audience) I just can’t wait to try it on, you know?

Gung Po In a mo, Maj! In a mo’… (Dramatically) We have worked our fingers to the bone, both night and day, to create this veritable masterpiece! One is drained…

Wushu (Over the top) We have both ruthlessly rummaged, pursued, hunted, sought, searched, sourced and, most importantly, imported items from throughout the known World, O Celestial One!

Both Behold!

They open the basket and step back. Jing Mai peers into it.

Jing Mai Er… What is it exactly that I’m looking at?

Wushu and Gung Po giggle.

Both His Imperial Majesty jests! (To each other) Such a card, ain’t he?

Wushu Silks from Siam ! Corsets from Corsica ! Stockings from Stockholm !

Gung Po And you’ll never guess what we’ve got from Nicaragua !

They lift out more invisible “clothes” and flit and flutter around him, “ooh-ing” and adding more “items” onto him, ad-lib. Wushu forces him to hold out his arms, whilst Gung Po kneels to measure his inside leg.

Wushu A wee bit more of the subtly superior, satisfyingly splendiferous, sinuous silk, O Celestial One? With the gorgeously, how shall I put it? Ah, yes! The enchanting yuppie-yellow and partially-punk-puce polka-dot pattern, methinks?

He places “it” over Jing Mai’s head and steps back to admire it.

Wushu (“Tearfully”) Ah, me! And all those desperately divine diamante dragons on your drawers too! Undie-niable… What can one say? One is moved, moved! (Getting too much for him) Sorry, Pong, but I’m filling up…

He silently “sobs”. Gung Po stands up.

Gung Po (To Wushu) Ooh! You sentimental sausage, you! (To Jing Mai) He’s always been very highly strung. Know what I mean, Maj? (Thinking) Where were we? His Imperial Highness dresses to the left, I believe?

Jing Mai Right… Left.

This confuses Gung Po.

Jing Mai (Seeing his confusion) Left, right?

He’s even more confused. They eventually help him to step into a pair of “trousers”.

Gung Po (Struggling) You’ll need to breathe in, I fear! You may find this pair a bit tight round the bum, Maj… Breathe in, there’s a dear? (Giggling) I think someone has to go on a wee diet! No more dumplings, eh?

Jing Mai giggles too. He playfully pushes Gung Po, who collides with Wushu. They recover and take out other “items”, then stand back to admire the overall picture.

Wushu (Admiringly) Ah, breathtaking! Such élégance…

Gung Po So a la mode!

Both (Gasping) OMG! Eat your heart out, Gok Wan!

Jing Mai (Strutting around) Think so? (To Audience) Do you like my newest outfit, Boys and Girls?

Audience Participation ad-lib. Wushu and Gung Po argue with them. We hear Tao Yan, off.

Tao Yan (Off) Oh, Most Celestial Majesty? May I enter?

Jing Mai (Answering) Just a moment, Honoured General? (To the Others) Just wait till he sees my latest outfit! Isn’t he in for the biggest surprise? (He hides behind the screen) Enter!

Tao Yan strides in, preceded by his Henchmen. As they stand so close together, Tao Yan has to push his way through them. Wushu and Gung Po grin and point towards the screen. Tao Yan raises his eyebrows.

Tao Yan (Playing along, unsubtly) Oh? Wherever can the Emperor be?

Jing Mai (From behind the screen) Ta-dah! (He re-emerges and poses; singing) “Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Oh, ain’t I a picture? Happy Birthday to me!”

Tao Yan takes in the whole picture.

Tao Yan By the Shenlong Dragon! (Hesitantly) What can one say, Fashionable One? I’ve never seen anything like it in me life!

Jing Mai puts on a real pair of sunglasses, provided by Tao Yan.

Jing Mai Yeah! (Proudly) Who da Emperor?

Others You are! You are!

They all laugh.

Jing Mai Now if you’ll forgive me? My public awaits! Can’t wait to see the looks on their faces…

He flounces out. The Others watch him go and then burst out laughing.

Reprise: Tao Yan, Wushu, Gung Po & Henchmen

Wushu Do we get our reward now?

Tao Yan Well! You’ve certainly earned it, I’ll say that much for you. (Sneakily) How much was it again? Ten golden pieces, was it?

Gung Po Nice try, mate. Don’t try and con a conman.

Wushu We heard one of the Courtiers say it was a hundred…? (To Audience) Ain’t that right, Boys and Girls?

Audience Participation ad-lib.

Tao Yan (Aside) Blast!

He reluctantly hands them the bag of coins. They smirk and rub their hands.

Wushu Here? I can’t wait to see what them Peking citizens think about his “outfit”!

They both burst out laughing again. Li Chi silently enters. Tao Yan notices him.

Gung Po Care to join us?

Li Chi looks at him and slowly shakes his head. Tao Yan momentarily pauses. Li Chi sighs and exits.

Tao Yan (Smirking) Try and stop me! This is the moment everyone will see what a feeble fool the Emperor is! By the Shenlong Dragon! (Roars with laughter; suddenly) Er…? By the way, chaps? Couldn’t lend me some money, could you? I suddenly find meself a bit strapped…?

He winks to Audience. Wushu and Gung Po look at each other and then slowly to the Audience…

Both Fat chance…!

They exit, followed by Tao Yan cursing and muttering to himself. Li Chi enters and watches them go. He smiles and the Lights fade.