Characters

The following scene is just one of those wonderful old Panto routines we revived for "Sleeping Beauty". Well rehearsed and performed, it should get a lot of laughs.

To perform the following routine you will need a parcel consisting of a biscuit tin containing broken crockery. The lid must be held on securely with sticky tape, wrapped in several layers of brown paper and tied with string

DUMPLING enters with a parcel under his arm. HARK enters

HARK  Where're you off to in such a hurry?

DUMPLING  I'm off to the Post Office.

HARK  What's in the parcel then?

DUMPLING  Nosey little devil... It happens to be a twenty-one-piece dinner service.

HARK  I wouldn't send that by post.

DUMPLING  Why not?

HARK  Why not?  I'll show you why not... The Postman takes the parcel from you and throws it in his sack... (he takes the parcel and drops it on the floor) He throws the sack over his shoulder... (picks up the parcel and throws it over his shoulder) When it gets to the sorting office, they stamp it like this... (he picks it up and bashes it with his fist) Then they throw it in another sack to deliver it. (throws it over his shoulder again) I wouldn't send it by post. You don't want to get it damaged! (hands him the parcel and exits)

DUMPLING  No. I wouldn't want to get it damaged.

FAIRY FLASHLIGHT enters

FLASHLIGHT  What have you got there?

DUMPLING  It's a... (shakes parcel) It's a forty-eight-piece dinner service. I thought I'd send it by... (thinks) By airmail.

FLASHLIGHT  Ooh... I wouldn't send it by airmail.

DUMPLING  Why not?

FLASHLIGHT  I'll show you why not... (takes the parcel) The luggage man takes it and throws it in the plane... (throws parcel across the stage) The plane always hits bad weather and the parcels get shaken around... (picks up parcel and shakes it from side to side) When it gets to the other end, the luggage man throws it to another man on the ground... (throws parcel on the floor) So, I wouldn't send it by airmail. One of those cups might get chipped! (hands him the parcel and exits)

DUMPLING  She's right, you know. I wouldn't want to get one of the cups chipped.

PRINCE WIMP enters

WIMP  Hello! I say! What have you got there then, old bean?

DUMPLING  It's a... (shakes parcel) It's a ninety-eight-piece dinner service. I'm thinking of sending it by... (thinks) By boat.

WIMP  You can't send me a fragile thing like that by boat!

DUMPLING  I suppose you're going to show me why I can't?

WIMP  Of course I am! (takes the parcel) When it goes by boat the man on the shore throws it to the man on the boat...

DUMPLING  Why doesn't that surprise me?

WIMP  Now the chap on the boat couldn't even catch a cold... So he misses it. Like this... (throws the parcel across the stage) Then the chappie on the boat takes it to the hold, but trips over a rope and drops it. (does the trip and drops it) Then he goes over to the hold and drops it in. (holds parcel above head and drops it) But, alas, there's another man in the hold, the parcel drops on his foot and, by Jove! He isn't too pleased, I can tell you

DUMPLING  I thought not. So, what does he do?

WIMP  He kicks it.

DUMPLING  I though he might...

WIMP  So, as I said, he kicks it... (kicks it) When it gets to the other end, the chap in the hold throws it to the man outside... (throws it up) Then he throws it to the man on the dock... (throws it again) And he throws into his van to deliver it! (another throw) So I wouldn't send it by boat, you know. It might get a teensy-weensy bit cracked.

He hands it back to DUMPLING

DUMPLING  I definitely don't want it cracked.

WIMP  What did you say it was again?

DUMPLING  It's a seven-hundred-piece dinner service.

WIMP  Best to look after it then. A fragile thing like that. Why don't you deliver it personally?

DUMPLING  What a perfect idea. I think I will.

WIMP  Who's it for anyway?

DUMPLING  For you... It's your wedding present!

He gives him the parcel and exits

WIMP  Oh, I say!

You'll find another of those marvellous routines elsewhere in the complete "Sleeping Beauty and the Beast" script