The Amazing Adventures of Sherbert Dipp

BLOSSOM BUTTERCUP   The Good Fairy
COUNT SPATULA   Sherbert Dipp's Nemesis
PRINCESS CINDERELLA  A Damsel in Distress
PRINCE CHARMING  Her Dashing Husband
SHERBERT DIPP  Ace Detective & Master of Disguise 
INSPECTOR McMUDDLE  Of Scotland Yard 
FANG  Spatula's Sinister Butler
MRS MALEVOLA  His Menacing Housekeeper 

In this early scene, we meet our heroes - Sherbert Dipp (Ace detective and Master of Disguise), Inspector McMuddle (of Scotland yard) and the dashing Prince Charming!

Scene 2: Dipp’s Rooms at 221a Baker Street

We hear a musical instrument being played very badly – something like a banjo or tuba. The lights come up on Sherbert Dipp, sprawled on a couch. He finishes playing, lays down the instrument and sighs. He is evidently bored. He stands up and paces about.

Dipp When will this endless idleness be interrupted? I long for adventure, excitement, the intrigue of a baffling case, the thrill of the chase, the chance to pit my wits against some criminal mastermind, like the chappie upstairs that we don’t mention… I crave for some intelligent, stimulating conversation…

Inspector McMuddle is heard, off.

McMuddle Dipp? Dipp!

Dipp (Sighing) “Intelligent”, did I say?

McMuddle rushes in, out of breath.

McMuddle Dipp! Thank goodness you’re in!

Dipp McMuddle, my dear fellow! Do sit down. I perceive you have hithered, post-haste, from Buckingham Palace? No doubt you have some intriguing case, some adventure, someone to pit my wits against?

McMuddle I have! But how…?

Dipp Certain royal personages are residing therein. Their safety, no doubt, being your responsibility? A glimpse of the uniform beneath your overcoat confirms you are on official duty. And the wrongly fastened buttons on your overcoat betray the haste of your departure from that duty.

McMuddle Yes. But even you couldn’t imagine the unspeakable horror that has happened!

Dipp I never imagine. I simply deduce. Pray, enlighten me.

McMuddle It’s terrible, Dipp. Ghastly! And to have happened here, in our nation’s capital!

Dipp Unacquainted with the facts, I cannot comment.

McMuddle If only I could explain… It’s got me up to high doh! I’m all at sixes and sevens.

Dipp How familiar… (Impatiently) Facts, man. Facts!

McMuddle You’d never believe me, even if I could tell you. It’s unbelievable! Like something out of a “Penny Dreadful” or a badly acted Christmas melodrama!

Dipp is now intrigued.

Dipp Come, McMuddle. You know my fondness for the bizarre.

McMuddle Like the chappie upstairs we never talk about… I know. But, oh! If you heard the whole, horrible, hideous, heinous story from an eyewitness… I have the very person outside.

Dipp Splendid. Bring him in.

McMuddle I can’t… At least, not without help.

Dipp McMuddle…!

McMuddle He won’t come in unless they ask him.

Dipp “They”?

McMuddle Yes. The Children.

Dipp Oh, yes. Of course. “The Children”. (Looks around) Where?

McMuddle indicates the Audience.

McMuddle Out there… Scores of them!

Dipp McMuddle! I fear you have been overtaxing yourself.

McMuddle If you don’t believe me, try asking them.

Dipp (Laughing) Well, really.

McMuddle Go on.

Dipp If you insist…

He peers out into the Audience.

Dipp If there are any Children out there, would you… er, shout “hello”?

The Audience will hopefully respond to this request. Dipp recoils with surprise.

Dipp Good grief! What are all you lot doing in my front room?

McMuddle (To Audience) Will you help me to shout for the gentleman outside? All the big Boys and Girls as well?

Watched by an incredulous Dipp, McMuddle goes through the time-honoured ritual ad-lib.

Audience Hoi, handsome!

Prince Charming bounds in and slaps his thigh. Dipp bows.

Dipp Prince Charming! Your Highness!

Prince (Surprised) You know who I am, sir?

Dipp When a dashing young “gentleman”, attired in tunic, knee-length boots and legs that seem to go on forever, bounds into my humble rooms when prompted to by a multitude of children’s voices and slaps his thigh, I would be slow witted indeed if I did not pronounce him to be the Prince Charming from the enchanted land of Pantomime! (Pauses to catch his breath) Sherbert Dipp, Ace Detective and Master of Disguise at your service, Sire. Pray, be seated.

Prince (Sitting) Thank you. Inspector McMuddle was describing your many accomplishments on our journey from the Palace.

Dipp Undoubtedly the scene of this bizarre incident that has so befuddled McMuddle. Involving the… Princess Cinderella I would suspect?

Prince Yes! But how…?

Dipp You are on honeymoon, are you not? I doubt whether you would have deserted your bride this evening, had circumstances prevented you from doing otherwise.

Prince Correct again! Mister Dipp, my bride has vanishéd!

Dipp strikes a pose.

Dipp Astounding! (He pauses to consider) “Vanishéd”, you say? What exactly do you mean, Sire?

Prince If only I knew! It all began with a spinning wheel…

Dipp Spinning wheel?

Prince Charming rises and paces the room.

Prince A wedding gift from a mysterious well wisher. Cinders seemed enchanted by it, so she sat down to spin. Then she cried out, as though she had caught her finger. She suddenly felt quite drowsy. This may sound strange, but I could have sworn I saw a dark, sinister figure looming over us. There was also something else in the room, apart from the figure. I could hear and feel its heavy breath. Then Cinders screamed! The room was plunged into darkness, thunder rolled, there was a vivid flash of lightning! When the lights came on again, my beloved had disappeared! I searched the room in vain, yet Cinderella there was none!

McMuddle Nobody saw a thing, except one of the footmen. He tried to tell us he’d seen a giant rat, near their highness’s chambers. I told him he was just being silly. Letting his imagination run riot, if you ask me.

Dipp Perhaps not. A giant rat…?

He reclines on the couch and assumes a thinking pose.

Dipp Here is our first clue!

Prince If you can help in any way, Mister Dipp, I shall be eternally grateful… Sir?

Dipp is deep in thought.

McMuddle It’s alright, Sire. He’s thinking. I’ve sometimes seen him sit like that for hours.

Prince You recommended him most highly, McMuddle. Yet can he solve what has baffled Scotland Yard?

McMuddle If anyone can, that man is Sherbert Dipp. You’re looking at the chap who slew the dreaded “Hound of the Beanstalks”. Who averted the “Scandal in Skegness”! Both solved by Sherbert Dipp of Baker Street! And then, there was “The Case of…”

Dipp suddenly leaps up.

Dipp I have it!

He rushes to the bookshelves and locates a large scrapbook.

Prince You have what, sir?

Dipp This scrapbook contains hundreds of newspaper cuttings. I keep anything odd, unusual, no matter how seemingly insignificant… Aha!

He finds a cutting and hands it to the Prince.

Prince (Reading) “Sinister figure with a giant rat seen in Whitechapel. Horrible apparition seen on several occasions by reliable witnesses…”

McMuddle Yes… Outside a pub. Hardly “reliable witnesses”. We didn’t bother to investigate. True, we were baffled at the time…

Dipp Typical. If you had come to me in the first place…

He is still flicking through the book. His face lights up and he hands another cutting to McMuddle.

Dipp Found it!

McMuddle What?

Dipp The seemingly insignificant that completes our jigsaw… Read!

McMuddle “Strange phenomenon…” (He has trouble with the word) “Strange thingie seen on cliffs at Talon Cove. Fishermen identify large creature resembling a rat…”?

His voice trails off.

Dipp Observe the date.

McMuddle Only three weeks ago.

Dipp The game’s afoot, McMuddle!

He begins to put on his cape and deerstalker.

Dipp The game is afoot!

Prince I insist on joining you!

He slaps his thigh and strikes a manly pose. Dipp takes McMuddle aside.

Dipp What is he doing?

McMuddle (Sighing) Principal Boys, Dipp. Principal Boys.

Dipp (Still unconvinced) Yes, well… (To the Prince) Er, capital! I would be most honoured, Sire. But I must warn you… I fear this case may turn out to be the most dangerous of my career!

Prince I shall face any danger to find my precious Cinders.

He slaps his thigh again. Dipp and McMuddle give the Audience on of “those” looks.

Dipp Come, McMuddle! A new adventure begins. Please bring along your trusty revolver. We may yet have need of it.

McMuddle Where are we going?

Dipp To Talon Cove!

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