Characters

ALSO FEATURING

THE WITCH OF TALON; THE DEMON KING; THE FAIRY QUEEN; ABANAZAR; THE WICKED FAIRY; ARMPITS ARTHUR; THE UGLY SISTERS

(All of the above additional Roles are played by the eight Principals. The Actors playing these 
Roles in your Production should be given false names in the Programme)

Sample Scene

One of the many Slapstick routines - or "Slosh Scenes" as they are sometimes referred to - is "Tea Time". A group of disparate individuals sit down for tea... and all hell breaks loose!
In this scene, our villain, Count Spatula, is entertaining at table. He is accompanied by his own servants, Mrs. Malevola and Fang. Seated on either side of Spatula are Scarlett and Pandora, a.k.a. The Ugly Sisters, who are really Sherbert Dipp and Inspector McMuddle in disguise. And there's a waitress, who is really the Good Fairy in disguise. Why? You'd better read the whole script!

BLOSSOM enters. She surveys the scene and laughs

BLOSSOM  Here! Steady the Buffs! Nobody told me it was "The Chimpanzee's Tea Party"! Who's the "wrinklies"?

SCARLETT  Cheek! We ain't got wrinkles...

PANDORA  They're laughter lines!

BLOSSOM  Oh, c'mon... Nothing's that funny. (to SPATULA) Right then, Chalk-face, what's your pleasure?

SPATULA  There's nothing on this table that I ordered. We'll have some "French Fancies".

BLOSSOM  "French Fancies" is off. They wasn't French and nobody really fancied them.

SPATULA  In that case, we'll have some Chelsea Buns.

BLOSSOM  Chelsea Buns is off too. Not enough "flour".

FANG  Any eggs?

BLOSSOM  Yes.

MALEVOLA  Fresh?

BLOSSOM  No idea. I only laid the table.

SPATULA  What have you got that isn't "off"?

BLOSSOM  Cream cakes and whipped cream.

The others look at each other knowingly

SPATULA  I see. So, it's going to be one of those Tea Parties! Get us five sodas and lime. As for the rest, serve whatever you like.

BLOSSOM  Suit yourselves. You was warned, remember. On your own head be it.

SPATULA (Resignedly) It probably will.

BLOSSOM  Fasten your seat belts! It's going to be a bumpy night! (exits)

PANDORA (To SPATULA) Tell me handsome, are you courting? Canoodling? Trying to get off with anybody?

SPATULA  I beg your pardon?

SCARLETT  Are you going steady?

SPATULA  You've lost me.

SCARLETT  Is there somebody with their feet under the table?

SPATULA  Er, no.

PANDORA  He don't know what he's missing! Am I right, Scar?

SCARLETT  Right down the line, Pan.

PANDORA  Know what you need around here?

SCARLETT  A woman's touch.

PANDORA  Yes... A Countess Spectacular!

SPATULA (Gulping) A Countess?

MALEVOLA and FANG smirk at his obvious discomfort. SCARLETT and PANDORA  move closer and closer to him

PANDORA  Somebody beautiful?

SCARLETT  Elegant?

PANDORA  Chic?

SCARLETT  Sophisticated?

PANDORA  Fashionable?

SCARLETT  Available?

PANDORA  Desperate?

He leans back and their heads collide

SPATULA  No thank you. I'm happy to be a bachelor boy.

BLOSSOM comes in with glasses and a soda siphon and dumps them on the table. She is about to exit when MALEVOLA calls her back

MALEVOLA  What's this, you incompetent woman? The Master specifically ordered five sodas and lime.

BLOSSOM  Away you go a haunt a house! Lime's off. The builder's couldn't spare any. You'll have to make do with soda...

SPATULA  Talk about "contrived".

BLOSSOM  Cream cakes coming up!

She exits. FANG fiddles with the soda

SPATULA  Don't touch that!

FANG  Why, plithee?

He presses the button. A spray of soda water shoots across the table. MALEVOLA is directly in its flight path. SPATULA is amused

SPATULA  That's why.

MALEVOLA  Fool! How did you manage that?

FANG  By plessing so... 

The same thing happens again. She rises angrily and goes to his end of the table

MALEVOLA  Give me that!

FANG  Certainry!

She gets in the face again. She snatches the siphon from him, pushes the nozzle down the back of his collar and presses the button

FANG  Aiwa!

They fight over the soda siphon

SPATULA  Children! Children of the night!

They continue to struggle. SPATULA snaps his fingers and they reluctantly return to their seats, sticking out their tongues and making faces to each other

PANDORA  Shame. We was really enjoying the cabaret, Count Spanner.

SPATULA "Spatula", Miss Pandora.

PANDORA "Pan", remember. And the "Miss" is temporary, I hope... (looks in handbag) The rubbish us girls put in their handbags! Look... mistletoe and an engagement ring!

SPATULA  Yes... Well. Ahem! You must call me "Spats".

BLOSSOM comes in with three cream cakes and sets them down

MALEVOLA  Only three?

BLOSSOM  Nothing was said about servant's joining in. I've only enough scran for three. Tell you what. I'll give you a nice big dish of whipped cream!

She skips off. SPATULA loudly sighs. PANDORA and SCARLETT immediately seize a cake each. MALEVOLA beats FANG to the third, much to his annoyance

SCARLETT  Poor "Spam". He ain't got no cake!

SPATULA "Spam"? (to her) Quite frankly, Scarlett my dear, I don't care for "Spam". It's "Spats", remember?

SCARLETT  Have mine.

PANDORA  No, no... Have mine.

SCARLETT  I offered mine host mine first!

PANDORA  Ignore her. Mine's is bigger.

SCARLETT  Like your nose! Mind your own business!

PANDORA  I'm giving him mine!

SCARLETT  No, you're not!

PANDORA  Yes, I am!

SCARLETT  Not!

PANDORA  Am!

SCARLETT  Shut your gob!

She aims her cake at PANDORA. SPATULA ducks in time and her cake finds the target - PANDORA'S face. FANG finds this highly amusing and rocks back and forth in his chair, laughing. PANDORA wipes her face with a napkin and becomes aware of his hilarity at her expense. As he rocks forward again, she slides her own cake across the table. FANG'S face dips straight into it, much to PANDORA'S mirth. He grabs the soda siphon and aims it at...

And so the mayhem continues...

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