The New Adventures of Robinson
Crusoe
Characters
SAMARINDA Queen of the Water Nymphs
TIAMAT The Dragon Queen
MONSOON A Windswept Air-Apparent
BABAMIK Evil Queen of the Serpents
WILL ATKINS The Landlord of the "The Fairly Contented Roger"
SIMPLE SAMMY Ribena Crusoe's Reluctant Suitor
POLLY ATKINS Robinson's Inamorata
RIBENA CRUSOE Robinson's Widowed Mother
ROBINSON CRUSOE Our Hero!
BILGE A Piratical Prat
SCUTTLEBUTT A Buccaneering Buffoon
CAPTAIN BARALANDI A Notorious Part Time Pirate
MAN FRIDAY A Carib Indian
BOWFER Robinson's Dog
CHORUS OF WATER NYMPHS, SNAKE PEOPLE,
SAILORS & CO
Not just a short sample this
time, but the complete and unabridged last scene of the first act!
The
Scene is a busy Harbour. Where possible, the prow of Baralandi's whaling ship, “The
Southern Discomfort” can be seen at the back. There should also be access
to the deck via a gangway. Baralandi’s Regular Crew – as ugly a looking
group of cut-throats if ever there was – are readying the ship for the voyage.
Provisions in crates and barrels are piled high. Some of the crates have signs
like “Harpoons - This Way Up” and “Cannons and Balls”. Apart from
Baralandi's crew, there are the New Recruits, including Polly, who are simply
getting in the way. Adding to the confusion are the Townsfolk - mothers, wives
and sweethearts of the recruits. Trying unsuccessfully to bring order to chaos
are Bilge and Scuttlebutt.
Song:
Bilge, Scuttlebutt & Chorus
Baralandi
and Atkins enter, sharing an evil laugh.
Atkins
Well,
me old shipmate. We be all set to sail. ‘Ave we got everything we need?
Baralandi
The
ship's fully provisioned for the voyage. And we got more crew.
Atkins
Better
still, I've got all the Crusoe’s on board. Robinson were easily duped. Then,
drop me anchor, polish me porthole and fumigate me fo’c’sle, his mother
signs on as Cook.
Baralandi
Wanting to
protect her little lamb? Ain’t that sweet! But be she a good cook?
Atkins
She
thinks she be. Claims her cooking’s “cordon bleu”. I heard it should be
cordoned off. But getting her on board means we can keep our eyes on her.
Baralandi
Be
she a saucy wench?
Atkins
Nope. Face like a melted wellie... And we got that native mate of
Crusoe's, Man Friday. He volunteered to sail with us. Says we'll need 'im,
'cause our voyage'll bring down the vengeance of the spirits upon us!
Baralandi
Ignorant
savage. We got to watch him, though. He could spell trouble. Sailors be a
superstitious bunch. We don’t want him indulging in no rain dances, and
suchlike.
Atkins
Don’t
worry. We'll get rid of him, and the rest of the crew.
After all, the treasure’s only getting shared two
ways. Ain’t that right, me old sea dog? (Laughs)
Baralandi
(Laughing) Aarr!
Atkins
(Aside)
He's fool enough to believe me. (Laughs)
Baralandi
(Still laughing) There ain’t no shipmate I'd sooner trust... (Aside)
To double-cross me!
They
laugh and indulge in another round of slapstick backslapping.
Baralandi
Half-spliced
main brace!
Atkins
Bulging
bulkhead!
Baralandi
Crooked crow’s nest!
Atkins
& Baralandi Aarr!
Atkins
Come,
me fellow sneaky wretch!
Baralandi
I’ll
see ye later. I wants to make another sarcastic and snide remark to the
Audience!
Atkins
laughs and exits. Baralandi smugly addresses the Audience.
Baralandi
Laugh
on, proud Atkins! Laugh on! Ain’t nobody goin’ to share the treasure but me! Yonder lies me innocent looking whaling ship. Little do the new
recruits know ‘tis also me pirate barque. They’ll soon find out me barques
worse than me bite! (Exits)
Bilge
(Stepping
forward) This
is ‘opeless. We'll never get the ship loaded in time.
Scuttlebutt
Aarr. The
captain’ll ‘ave us clapped in irons if we ain’t got all the provisions on
board. There ain’t enough of the regular crew left. We be needin them new
recruits.
Bilge
But
they ain’t signed on yet.
Scuttlebutt
Then
fetch the book and a pen.
Bilge
exits to the ship. Scuttlebutt looks around.
Scuttlebutt
Where
be that new cabin boy? Ahoy! Cabin Boy!
Polly
(Emerging
from the crowd) ‘Ere I be, shipmate.
The Cabin Boy is, of course, Polly, in a not too convincing disguise.
Polly
(In
her normal voice) Just coming, sir. (Realises
and changes to a gruff bass voice) At your service, sir. (To
Audience) Yes, it’s me, Polly. I’ve got to make sure nothing awful
happens to Robinson, and keep an eye on dad!
So I got this great disguise. Nobody will know I’m really me. You didn't
recognise me at first, did you?
Audience Participation
ad-lib.
Scuttlebutt
Hold
me rudder… Ain’t I seen you somewhere afore?
Polly
Never
seen you before in me life, weevil me biscuits and
Dover
me sole!
Scuttlebutt
Are
ye sure? Face looks familiar. Where be ye from?
Polly
Me?
I be from... (Local reference)
Scuttlebutt
The
posh side of town, eh? So, ye’ve never been to sea? Tell me truthfully boy,
why ‘ave you never set foot on the sea?
Polly
‘Cause
I'd fall in and get all wet.
Scuttlebutt
laughs and gives Polly a hearty slap on the back that takes the breath out of
her.
Bilge has returned with an impressive
leather-bound book.
Scuttlebutt
A
sense of humour, eh?
Bilge
On
this voyage, he’ll be needin’ it.
Scuttlebutt
In
this Panto he’ll be needin’ it…
Bilge
So
ye be the new cabin boy? What be yer name?
Polly
Polly.
Scuttlebutt
What?
Polly
Er...
Jolly! That’s me. Jolly. Spice me gumboots!
Scuttlebutt
Jolly?
Jolly what?
Polly
Er...
Roger?
Scuttlebutt
Jolly
Roger? I’ve ‘eard it all. Well, Master Roger, I’ve got a job for ye.
He
sits Polly on a barrel beside a large crate.
Scuttlebutt
Take
this ‘ere book and get all them recruits to sign on, starting with yerself.
Polly
What
be this, shiver me yardarm?
Bilge
This
be the articles. Everybody who serves on this ship signs. Puts ye under the
orders of the captain.
Polly
I
see. So it be all about your pay and holidays?
Scuttlebutt
(Exchanging a look with Bilge) Pay and Holidays? That’s right! It
just be a simple contract.
Polly
In
that case, I’ll sign right away.
She
signs with a quill pen.
Scuttlebutt
Good
career move. Ye won’t regret it!
Scuttlebutt
and Bilge chortle.
Bilge
Now
get the rest signed up, at the double. (Shouts
to the Others) You lot! Line up ‘ere and sign up. As ye board, take one
item of provisions with ye.
The
New Recruits line up and Polly shows them where to sign. One by one, they pick
up a crate or barrel. The first recruit picks up the smallest item. The next
picks up the second smallest, and so on. By the time we get near the end of the
line, the items are getting bigger. During this, Sammy enters, tripping over
some small crates.
Sammy
(To
Audience) What do ye say, shipmates?
Audience
Participation.
Sammy
Robbie’s
determined to sail, no matter what happens. I’ll sail with him and help him
defeat them part-time pirates! Ye never know, it might just be a nice cruise
with deck chairs and dinner at the captain’s table. And...
Best of all, I’d escape from the clutches of Mrs Crusoe. (Looks around) This must be the queue for signing on. Why not? Is
this where I sign on for the cruise?
Polly
Aye, aye, matey. This be the
particles. Sign ‘ere.
Polly
hands Sammy the pen. Sammy sings an "X" with a great flourish.
Polly
Thank
‘ee, Master... Cross.
Sammy
(To
Audience) That cabin boy... I know him from somewhere. I’m certain. Do ye
know who he be?
Audience Participation.
Sammy
Who?
Polly? Are ye sure? No! Don’t be silly! Polly’s a girl.
More Audience Participation. Polly,
realising she is danger of being unmasked, rushes forward.
Polly
Not
Polly! Jolly! That be me name.
Jolly Roger. (To Audience) Ain’t it,
Boys and Girls? (Confidentially)
Don’t give the game away. I’ve got to be Jolly Roger from now on, so I stay
incognito and look after Robinson. So, what’s me name?
Audience
Participation.
Polly
Jolly
Roger! That’s right. (To Sammy) You
see? (To Audience) Thanks everybody. Now don’t forget... Jolly Roger! (Back
to Sammy) Now, matey, you embrace...I mean emburse... Embarrass… I mean...get on the ship there. And take the last crate with ye.
Sammy
Aye,
aye!
He
picks up the last crate. It is, of course, enormous. Lots of comic business with
Sammy staggering under the weight, almost dropping it into the Audience, before
he finally makes it up the gangway. As he exits, Robinson and Bowfer appear with
their kit bags.
Robinson
Well,
ain’t this a sight to gladden a seafarer’s heart? A fine vessel ready at
quay. (Aside) Them
part-time pirates is in for a shock!
He slaps his thigh. Bowfer
sighs.
Robinson
All
set for adventure on the high seas, Bowfer?
Bowfer
salutes.
Robinson
And
you know your duties on board?
Bowfer mimes chasing rats.
Robinson
Ship’s
ratter, that’s right. And what else?
Bowfer
mimes climbing a rope and scanning the horizon.
Robinson
And keeping a sharp lookout.
And…?
Bowfer covers one eye and
hops on one leg.
Robinson
Watching
out for pirates! Good dog.
Bowfer
has spotted Polly and charges across to greet her.
Polly
No,
Bowfer! Down! Don’t draw attention to me. I’m not Polly, I’m Jolly... In
disguise...Understand?
Being
a smart dog, Bowfer understands. He mimes an unsubtle "Okay, got you. Trust
me" message. Robinson comes over to them.
Polly
Oh,
no! Here comes Robinson. This is the big test for my disguise. (To
Robinson) A vest there, me smartie! With a yo-ho-ho and a… Er, rottle of
bum!
Robinson
Good
morning, young fella-me-lad. The name’s Crusoe. I hope my dog ain’t been
pestering you?
Polly
No,
not at all. He be wonderful.
Bowfer
preens.
Polly
Me
name’s Pol... Jolly Roger! The new cabin boy.
Robinson
Pleased
to make your acquaintance, young Master Roger. (Smiling)
Unusual name, eh? “Jolly Roger”. Don’t ye find it rather
“flagging”? (Laughs) I salute ye!
Polly
(Ignoring
the “joke”)
Ye’ll need to sign the
particles in this ‘ere book.
Robinson
No
need. I’m already signed on and raring to go.
Polly
Ye
seem particular keen to part these shores. Ain’t ye leavin’ some sweetheart
all alone?
Robinson
I
am. Smashing gal, name of Polly. Truth is, I love her to bits... But... Well,
she don’t want me to sail. (He looks
around) Although I did hope she’d at least see me off. It rather breaks a
chap’s heart to find out his own true love don’t really care.
A
tearful Polly is on the verge of abandoning her masquerade, but thinks better of
it.
Polly
Never
mind, sir. I’m sure she ‘as her reasons.
Robinson
I
do wonder.
Friday
enters.
Friday
Greetings,
honoured friends.
He
bows. Audience Participation. He then turns to everybody else and bows. They bow
in return.
Robinson
Friday!
You are going to join us after all?
Friday
No.
Not unless you are determined to go. Think again, my friend. These stones must
never be found. I beg of you. Mother Earth will thank you for it.
Robinson
Sorry,
Friday. I do respect your beliefs and all that, but I just can’t believe in
all that superstitious stuff. There’s treasure at stake here.
Friday
Much
more than that, my friend.
Robinson
My
mind’s made up, Friday. I’m going!
Friday
So
be it. But you will not go alone. The Great Sea Spirit will guide us.
They
embrace.
Robinson
Watch
out! Here comes trouble!
Atkins
and Baralandi come striding in.
Baralandi
What’s
this? Not ready? What a shambles! Scuttlebutt! Get ‘em lined up.
Scuttlebutt
Aye,
aye, Captain!
He
blows a ship’s whistle. Eventually, order is restored. Baralandi’s small
Regular Crew gathers together. They regard with contempt the New Recruits, who
make a second group. The Townsfolk gather at the side.
Atkins
That’s
more like it. Is everybody here?
Baralandi
Aarr.
We got the crew, old and new, and the cabin boy. But something’s missing...
Atkins
Ye
be right. But I can’t think who...
A commotion in the wings. Ribena staggers in laden with luggage. She drops the
lot with a clatter.
Ribena
Thank
goodness I made it in time. (She bends
over to sort her luggage) I’ve been all behind this morning.
Catcalls and comments galore!
Ribena
Nautical
nincompoops! As I was saying, I am looking forward to a life on the ocean wave.
Makes me feel all patriotic and “Rule Britannia”. In fact, I’m feeling so
patriotic, I decided to wear me Union Jack knickers. Oh, yes. Made out of a real
Union Jack. They were a bit uncomfortable at first... until I took the flagpole
out! So I’ve brought everything I could possibly need. (She
pulls various items out of a bag) Suntan lotion. Bucket and spade... We’re
bound to have some time at the seaside. Some hot reading for a ship’s cook –
“The Naked Chef”. And for on-board entertainment, I’ve got me
“Titanic” video. I do love a handsome leading man. That Leonardo De Iceberg
can launch me lifeboat any day! (To
Baralandi) Ahoy there, steward! Put all this on board the boat, there’s a
good chap. And if you’re looking for a tip, clean your teeth.
Baralandi
Boat?
This be a ship! And I be the captain!
Ribena
Oops!
Silly me! (Aside) He’s a bit of all right, if you like ‘em ruggedly hairy!
Baralandi
(Pointing to Polly and some others) Get that junk onboard and be
quick about it!
Polly
Aye,
aye!
She
picks up the largest piece of luggage and just about falls over under the
weight.
Polly
Hey!
What you got in here, Mrs Crusoe? The kitchen sink?
Ribena
Of
course! I’ll need to cook and wash.
Polly
and the crewman struggle off with the luggage.
Ribena
Thank
you, “Mon Caption”. Is one’s cabin facing the left side?
Baralandi
Port.
Ribena
Most
kind. I’ll have a small glass…
Baralandi
Yer
“cabin” be the galley, with en-suite hammock!
Ribena
No
cabin? Nothing in
the whole wide world would induce me to get on that boat!
Others
Ship…
At this moment, Sammy appears at the top of the gangway
Ribena
Sammy!
My own little treasure! Me own beau on the bow! (To
Baralandi) Trim me sails and knot me nauticals, I’m your girl!
Baralandi
(Nicely) Thank ye... Now get felled in with the rest!
Meantime,
Sammy is attempting to tiptoe off, but he walks into Atkins.
Atkins
Going
somewhere?
Sammy
Yes.
I’ve changed me mind. I quit!
Baralandi
Ye be in my
crew now! This ain’t no pleasure cruise! Get back in line all of ye!
Ye all signed the articles. Ye all be under my orders, ye bilious barnacles!
General
mood of unrest. Polly re-enters.
Baralandi
Come
now, mateys. Me regular crew will take good care of ye. Won’t ye?
Regular
Crew Har,
har, har! Chortle, chortle, chortle! Tee, hee, hee!
Baralandi
I’ll let our new cabin boy ‘ave the honour of giving the orders to sail.
Polly
(Panicking)
Me? But I don’t know a thing...
Baralandi
It
be simple. Tell ‘im, lads.
Scuttlebutt
& Bilge Ye
raise the anchor, splice the mainbrace, trim the rudder and cast off… Got
that?
Polly
Aye,
aye. (Shouts) Raise the rudder! Splice the anchor! Trim the mainbrace! (To
Baralandi) What was the other?
Baralandi
Cast off…!
In a matter of seconds, the
entire Cast, except Baralandi Atkins and Polly, clear the stage. The faster this
can be done, the more effective the gag.
Polly
Where
‘ave they all gone?
Baralandi
No!
Come back ‘ere! (Aside) Actors!
I’d keelhaul the lot of ‘em!
Everybody
sheepishly returns.
Baralandi
At least let’s be raisin’ the ship’s flag. Bring on the flag!
Some
of the crew brings on a large flag that they unfurl to reveal the letters "W.C."
Atkins
"W.C."?
What kind of flag be that?
Ribena
A
flag of convenience!
Polly
So,
it’s three duvets to the wind…
Robbie
And,
as I’m the Principal Boy… To the
South
China
Seas
!
Song:
The Entire Company
End
of Act One
